Saturday, August 13, 2005

WWDD #2

So, many of you should have guessed by now that I came home to find out my wife was not faithful to me while down range. It was not a 'simple' infidelity either, but I won't discuss that here. It is kind of significant, though, in this moral dilemma I now face. I know of another soldier, family man, whose wife 'encouraged' my wife to do the things she did. I know that his wife has done more. He doesn't know a thing. He also has not been home on R&R but will be soon. I will be returning soon.

This is a terribly common problem.

21 Comments:

Blogger mattandriver said...

If you spill the beans to him, you will also be involved. If you have befriended this other man, you risk loosing his friendship by letting him 'in the know'. But, he deserves know. If he believes you.

07:45  
Blogger InterstellarLass said...

Oh gosh. I will just never understand some things. The guy definitely deserves to know. Is it better to tell him now, and take the associated risks, or stand by quietly, and then later he finds out you knew? You're in a bit of a catch-22. But I guess you already knew that. I just don't know what to say. I'm dumbfounded.

09:22  
Blogger LL said...

Hang in there, man. As crushed as you are and looking her in the eye, you might want to give the other guy a head's up so he can adjust to the idea and get over the rage before he gets within reach of his wife on R&R. That's my bit of advice.

14:51  
Blogger Dorman said...

That has been my line of thinking too. I have to deal with this guy for at least another year intermittently. Ironic I wrote that entry about supporting soldiers families and spouses before I knew I was already a victim.
I just need to consider how to approach revealing this discovery when I get back to Iraq.

15:10  
Blogger LL said...

Yeah, that's a tough call. It all depends on your level of familiarity with each other. Too bad you can't just grab a bottle of whiskey, share your pain, and tell him to consider if it happens to him. I wish you the best of luck both with this issue and with your own personal pain. Take it easy, man.

21:30  
Blogger mattandriver said...

Don't over think it. "On the fly" speaking is easier on you!

22:16  
Blogger Robert Chase said...

The thing I would do is when you see him, I'm sure he's going to ask how things went at home. That would be your opportunity to explain things as vaguely or as detailed as you want. Then kinda talk to him like your friend did to you before you found out. Kinda drop hints, but do it subtlely. If he's a smart man, when he gets home, he might have the desire to ask her if she has been cheating.

Or maybe through all of this, G feels a little guilty and maybe she'll tell her friend that she needs to tell her husband sooner rather than later.

Btw, Monday is your last full day home, right? I wanna give you a call before you go back. Let me know if you are gonna be around.
Email me how things have gone this week or talk to me on yahoo.

09:35  
Blogger dancerat said...

I have been through this and survived, I read something particularly good, interesting... that one can survive affairs if the marriage has something greater in it than the affair. I also recommend http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi01_forum.html
and also
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp
People can and do work through these things and still have great marriages, believe it or not. I will be thinking about you.

00:18  
Blogger Dorman said...

Thank you dancerat, unfortunately this was no 'affair' and things were done that can never be taken back, minimized, nor taken in a new perspective.

Don't forget the other despicable aspect of situations like mine. My wife was not "involved" with a civilian(s), these are soldiers doing this to deployed soldiers' wives.

In the case of the other soldier's wife, here, her acts aren't as outrageous apparently, just more numerous and frequent. Still aspects that would make it damn near impossible for a man to overlook and drive on. These are behaviors that define self, and as for my soon-to-be ex-wife, she redefined herself out of a whole different set of building blocks.

07:21  
Blogger Crystal said...

i really don't know what to say.

betrayal by so many who were supposed to stand by you

08:39  
Blogger mattandriver said...

I don't think it's anything about Civilians or military. Within a group, or outside is not important. It's just people do not have the respect and common courtesy that once was in place, almost by default, in the past. People do not respect other people as much as we once did. It's everywhere. Maybe I am just OLD SCHOOL, or something. I don't know. You just don't mess with other people, or there wife, or there stuff, or anything. For me, there is an invisible barrier that I would not cross. It's like opening up a refrigerator at your work or office and seeing other peoples lunches in there. Would YOU take that sandwich if it was not YOURS?

10:13  
Blogger InterstellarLass said...

There are so many refridgerator theives in workplaces...maybe that's why so many affairs start there.

I'm 'old school' too then I guess. I read a book that was really good. Notice I say I read it. Didn't end up doing me any good this time around, but I'll save what I learned for later. Take Back Your Marriage by William J. Doherty. Amazon readers gave it good reviews too.

11:23  
Blogger Carnealian said...

I would look at this from the other perspective...if someone knew about G, would you have wanted to know before you got home? I would want to know, then I'd kick his ass, and it would be done. I say always do the right thing no matter the concequences. You may be hurt now, but G has to live with the guilt of ruining her marriage to you for the rest of her life. She also has to face her children who will know mom screwed up.

18:45  
Blogger mattandriver said...

Ok. Time for a little bumber. No offence here please, but this not a Soap Opera. Let's stick to the topic of how Dorman will face the "friend". Anything else, in my opinion, is getting a bit too personal for me. At least until Dorman would touch on the subject.

Again, no offence please.

Having said that, I agree!

19:34  
Blogger Dorman said...

I agree too, but here is why I totally agree with carnealian....at least 1 little part of it.

It seems that the morning after I arrived home, I decided to walk the dogs. Upon exiting my door, there stood the motherfucker shaking my hand to welcome me back...... I didn't know at that time but didn't like the "friendship" they supposedly had anyway. Imagine the insult to me after i found out.

09:02  
Blogger Carnealian said...

Sorry, I had no intentions of getting too personal.

10:25  
Blogger Crystal said...

well, matt. umm. people post their personal lives and sometimes the situations are dramatic. people comment to try to help. i dont know why you think it is like a soap opera at all. the care is genuine, the advice is meant as suggestions. and i think as a form of comfort. if d didnt want to talk about it, he wouldnt/shouldnt have posted about it.

i hope everyone's day is going well. and i hope the situation improves soon. peace.

11:00  
Blogger mattandriver said...

Yes, I suppose you are right. I tend to get a little ‘anal’ about intruding. Thank you.

16:02  
Blogger Crystal said...

no prob bob, u just had ur bro's back. i totally might have dont the same...nah, i wouldn't. im a neutralist to the end. im the kind who stand in the middle until one side engulfs the other. both sides usually hate me in the end.

but i wanted to add a little perspective, maybe, kinda, sorta, hmmmmmm. now its night time. hope everyone has a peaceful slumber. ;)

22:25  
Blogger Crystal said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

22:30  
Blogger Debbie said...

Ok, Dean, I've read more... but... I still think we should compare... screwed up things happen to good people. It's all a part of that path in life. This too shall pass.

01:48  

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