Monday, August 22, 2005

Imploding

I made it back to Iraq, not 'home' yet but close. The trips went pretty well except for when I got to Kuwait. I was placed at a new processing facility that has absolutely no amenities...tents and toilets is all. That was the last thing that I needed; to be abjectly alone for 48 hours to fester over my life and my situation. I was surrounded by 1000 people, none of them looked at me, and with everything going on, just drove home the idea that I just do not fit in anywhere. I began to implode. I tried my best to sleep, but the thoughts kept creeping in. I ended up sleeping for about a total of 36 out of 48 hours there. The waking moments were more painful. Every move I made just reminded me of her, every young scrawny short soldier made me think of what was done. And no where for me to turn. I almost broke down and found a chaplain, but I didn't want to fall apart I guess. I wanted so badly to call her, just to hear her voice and hope she would share in the moment with me. No phones, no internet available.

I don't know how to handle anything right now. I seem to be the one emotionally effected negatively by this. My children are happy their plight is over, she seems to be having a good time back with her family and indifferent to me, again. I feel a tremendous loss. Maybe once I get back home to Caldwell, my 2 close friends will be sufficient to help me get through this. I really need my family and friends around, more than ever in my life.

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