Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Clipside of the Pinkeyed Flight

Just another update, quickly. Had to go through the grueling process of dismantling a family in a week. My kids and STBEW (soon to be ex-wife) are on a plane headed for the States. The kids will be living, thankfully, with my parents until they come back to me after the deployment. Right now I am left to finish cleaning the mess that accrued after 7 months of neglect to the house. In a few days I go, alone, back to Iraq. It kills me when i see soldiers on TV met at the airport by teary-eyed family and overjoyed spouses. Lucky bastards.

I am doing fine, now. We did lots of talking and I have a pretty good idea of what all happened while I was gone. We seem now to get along better than before I left, primarily because STBEW had no more reason to keep up the passive-aggressive crap. More on the whole story later, maybe. Warning: Hopeless romantic proves how much cruelty he can take. Ladies, there are a few of us men out here. Not many apparently.

19 Comments:

Blogger InterstellarLass said...

I hope your kids are going to be OK. I think through this all we've told you to be well and what to do about your fellow soldier. But, your kids have got to be so confused. I know how tough it was on my own two, and I'm still seeing fallout rear it's ugly head every now and then. They're reslient creatures, but they know how to hide their emotions well sometimes too.

14:06  
Blogger mattandriver said...

I am sure the kids are confused, but at least it wasn't in the middle of the school year. Things would have been harder on them otherwise.

19:14  
Blogger LL said...

Sir, there are women who appreciate a loyal family man. Who will love them to the end of time. You may find one when you get out of that war zone. Please keep the faith. And even though we can't be there to hug you when you touch home ground again, please accept my personal gratitude for your sacrifices, both personal and emotional. Hang in there and I'll catch you on the other side.

19:16  
Blogger Robert Chase said...

Glad you haven't left yet. I tried to call you on Monday and the call went through, but I heard no ringing, just silence. Didn't know if it was rining on your end or maybe you were out.

Anyways, I know the kids are going to be ok with your parents. It'll be a big adjustment for them, but at least you know that they won't be neglected. It would be great if your parents and the kids ere able to fly to germany and be at the airport when you get back from your deployment. Something to run by mom and dad.

I'm gonna email you later today.

09:07  
Blogger brainhell said...

When I read your Uh-Oh post, I assumed that she had served with divorce papers as soon as you got back home. I'm glad that didn't happen.

As a complete stranger on the other side of the world, let me throw in my two cents: There's no reason she has to be your STBEW. You have kids, they need a stable family. The passive-aggressive crap, and no doubt bevy of other dishonest, crazy, and untrustworthy things she does are things you can stop accepting. Tell her that the terms of the marriage have changed -- but don't create a divorce. If someone is going to file papers, let her be the one to do it.

Maybe you think you married the wrong person and all like that, but now that you have kids, the time for that kind of thinking is over. You're married and created a family, period.

Go ahead and create change, but don't hurt the kids.

08:56  
Blogger Dorman said...

Well, in any other circumstance I would agree with you. I invested 14 years of marriage and 14 years of my counselling eforts to try to get thru her dysfunction. Out of the P/A spite, while i was gone she became the woman I have waited for; gorgeous, shapely, interesting, and conversational. She didn't do it for me, she gave it all to the neighbors, along with everything else that was mine. So the methods and motives behind her unguessable actions are the reason for the divorce. A man can only be so humiliated and I have had enough of that for the next 20 reincarnations. Besides the fact that my children lived in squalor while she was pursuing her 'interests', there is so much more insult to this story than I have revealed. Soon enough I will paint the picture in broad strokes for all those other hopeless romantics out there, so that someone else can feel the emotional whiplash I went thru.

As for the kids, my son was told what his mother had done. He calmly looked at her, said, "You are a dirty whore." and walked away. Neither of my children want anything to do with her after the neglect they've experienced and what she did as motivation for the neglect. How many times ever are the children happy their parents are divorcing? Mine are. It makes it easier.

09:29  
Blogger brainhell said...

After my uncompromising comment I thought to myself: "But if she's a drug addict ... dump her!"

You haven't said she's into drugs, but if her internal issues mean that the kids were neglected to the point of 'squalor,' that is: if she's not able to parent for them, then I begin to see your point.

I guess, though, that you and the kids are the only judges of that. I would only ask you to be clear in your own mind where the sexual issue is and where the rest of the issues are. It's not as though you don't know soldiers who cheat on their wives, for example.

If you think she's incapable of being a good parent, that's one thing that can't be gotten around. Her having had an affair is something that (in my view from way across the world, and it not being any of my business any way), I think could be gotten over.

I support that your son is angry with her, but I think some day he will regret that comment he made to her. If I were you (and I'm not!), I would help him to see her as she is, love some part of her, and not reject her entirely.

Amazing that you have to deal with all of this stuff AND Iraq!

11:09  
Blogger Dorman said...

no choice. plus if i revealed the type of sexual activities then it would be clear. Just trust me on this, I wish it had been drugs. My son won't regret it, he knows he is right. He has learned a lot about life and relationships and how not to have them.

But yes, i am very forgiving, but sh's exceded our limits unfortunately. Now i just need to find ways to cope with the damage. Funny how Iraq will be my place for R&R.

11:35  
Blogger Robert Chase said...

"brainhell said...
When I read your Uh-Oh post, I assumed that she had served with divorce papers as soon as you got back home. I'm glad that didn't happen."

Trust me, I think it would have been easier than to have come home and faced what he did face.

His son might someday regret what he said, but not being a parent, I still would be devastated if my son/daughter would ever say something to that degree towards me.

My only hope is that someday she realizes what a selfish, foolish mistake she's made, and what she has thrown away. Not so much the marriage, but the respect of her children.

13:11  
Blogger Crystal said...

did the children really need to know?? this is all terrible. i couldn't imagine dealing with this as an adult, much less a very impressionable kid with big innocent eyes and malleable hearts.

your children see you, and see what you are going through, and it is shaping who they will be. no amount of name-calling will fix anything. those words should never come from a child's mouth. even if it gives you solace that your son is on your side.
its still sad he said it.

hopefully they will learn to love their mother, or some part of her, just as you once did/and prolly still do. no matter how much you hurt. falling hopelessly does not necessarily mean endlessly. a hopeless romantic does not necessarily mean many disappointments either.

peace, and good luck rolling this rock

17:30  
Blogger Dorman said...

well, my son knew because he wondered why he was being put through what he was put thru, it didn't add up until he found that part out.

It is sad when a child says it, yes, worse when it is true and deserved. A victim should never be silenced. It is a sign of strength on his pert. He has also learned things the hard way.

17:37  
Blogger mattandriver said...

I am all for sheltering children from truth if the truth is too scaring for them to handle. But, in this case, I think he may have made the right decision.

19:23  
Blogger LL said...

NONE of us out here in the blogsphere know what you and your kids have and will go through and I hope some would have the sense not to judge nor criticize your behavior or choices. Do what you need to do and drive on. You don't have to justify anything to us.

19:23  
Blogger mattandriver said...

Well said.

20:41  
Blogger Crystal said...

very well said,

the situation just absolutely sucks

21:46  
Blogger Robert Chase said...

Well, I kinda know, but I'm privy in that area. ;)

And as a child of divorce, I know how tough it can be. The kids have support and structure around them, and that's the most important thing.

Have a safe trip back to Iraq, my brother. Always know that I am thinking of you. :)

22:41  
Blogger SnotSucker said...

Having been through divorce and counseling myself, it is important that children old enough to understand, know the truth. Otherwise, anything less can destroy any ounce of trust they may have in either parent. And keeping feelings bottled up inside can lead to tons of problems later in life, as we all know.
Remember: Adultery is a CHOICE and ALWAYS a MISTAKE.

01:10  
Blogger mattandriver said...

Keep your boots on dude! See ya in 6 months! I'll keep the wings hot for you.

19:43  
Blogger InterstellarLass said...

No one deserves to be treated in such a manner. There is no excuse. People are imperfect and mistakes are to be expected, and forgiveness asked and granted, but there comes a point of no return, and this sounds way over the line to me.

I'm sorry that anyone or their children would have to experience this, and I'm even sorrier that it's you Dorman.

13:15  

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