Thursday, May 04, 2006

Behind Every Good Man There Is a Woman....

...most likely looking at his butt.

Sure, we like to think that the sexes are truly different, but we all know that dirty little secret that we are all the same. All the same except for one vital skill that men possess and women have no clue or even the chance to receive training. That basic difference was on my mind the other day as I took a break from higher brain functions. My thoughts follow....

Urinal Etiquette
There I was, manhood in hand in a typical 3 urinal arrangement when I thought to myself that a 3 urinal arrangement is the stupidest and most wasteful way to set up a man's bathroom. Let me explain.... The middle urinal gets used a small fraction of the times that the two end urinals get used. Why? Fear of the ever-possible meat-gazer. Two urinals spread sufficiently apart are just as effective as three urinals in the same space PLUS it actually saves money on cleaning costs by one-third.

For the ladies, here's the dealio. I walk into an empty bathroom and scope out the urinal arrangemtn. I see 3 open urinals, my choice. I chose an end one simply because of the possibility that while mid-stream, another urinator will walk in and need to do the deed. Taking the end urinal affords the potential piss-partner the comfort of sufficient distance as well as a urinal of equal status. We would pee in balance.

Social deviants, control freaks, or perverts will chose the middle urinal based on their own sick needs to force people to their wills. I tested this theory several times with similar results. Each time I chose a middle urinal, the next urinator to enter invariably stopped, scoped the situation, then took the stall.

So to sum up my findings; the three urinal layout is totally without merit and highly inefficient. A 4 urinal layout increases usability by 58% because 2 urinators can safely and securely take care of business in the required 2 urinal spacing with either of the 2 pairs of urinals. A 5 urinal arrangement increases efficiency by another 28% because 3 streams can flow at once or another two can without even using the same smelly urinal. Six urinals is just crazy; put up a trough with running water and herd us in like animals then.

Why I hate the New ACU (Army Combat Uniform)
Because whoever designed this travesty of garb must have been French, or at least a middle-school-aged girl. The Army Combat Uniform is silly by real soldier standards. Velcro, a zipper, a central location for rank.... all ideas derived from a syphilitic fever. A zipper, no not a fly, a zipper to zip up our cute little jackets. Cute now because they have these nifty areas of velcro for us to put or unit patches, nametapes, rank, flag. Sewing must have been too hard on the new recruits after Bush once again lowered the bar for enlistment standards. hell, we don't even shine shoes for a while. Shit, it used to be in you were too untrainable for a minimum wage job in america (with a small "a") then you could at least get a loaf of bread by shining someone's freakin' shoes. ( anyone see the pics of the Great Depression?) Our new recruits aren't even bestowed the opportunity for that job skill training. Must be too hard and we must be too desperate to send bullet-catchers to the big sandboxes.

Central rank. What idiot came up with this? Oh, ya, the idiot that has NEVER CARRIED A WEAPON. Here is a clue for you civilians... the weapon's strap covers the rank so you have no idea of the rank of the person to whom you are talking. This could be bad when being addressed by a First Sergeant or Sergeant Major. I know from experience.

Man Hours wasted. How you may ask Well, I have a slightly amusing anecdote to exemplify this. Man hours are now being wasted in an Army-wide game of grab-ass. How fun it is to walk down a hall, pass a soldier and in doing so, grab his unit patch off and whip it down the hallway as you run laughing. 34 seconds wasted as that other soldier runs to fetch his VELCRO PATCH.

So this only happens dozens of times per day, multiplied by dozens of soldiers. Three days ago, my friend walked up to me with a shit-eating-grin on his face as I sat doing some paperwork. Ya, I am vital - he isn't. I looked up and he ripped my patch off then threw it across the shop. bastard. Ok, I told him the game was on. I waited my time and as he was talking to our Platoon Sergeant, I walked by and ripped off his name tape and whipped it down the hall. Ha! I one-upped him.

Knowing that this can now never rest, I stayed on guard. The tit-for-tat went back and forth a few times, each time with me vowing to just get him when he least expects it. That was not an empty promise as PFC Stevenson soon found out.

At one point, he had just gotten me. I shook my head and smiled in admiration of his latest feat. Now, Stevenson usually takes his top off during duty and lays it near his station. But today he knew the stakes were high so he secured it somewhere without me knowing. Patience is a lesson taught well by Sun Tzu. I left the shop to do some tasks and upon my return to the shop I found his top laying by his station but he was no where to be found. BINGO!! I almost dropped the stuff in my hands to do my evil deeds. There were about 5 soldiers in the shop that had been entertained by the give-and-take thus far. These five witnessed my next attack.

In an effort to blow this out of the water, I decided that taking patches was too obvious and simple. I wanted to 0wn this guy and humiate him. So, knowing that he is on extra duty every day, I figured he would see a few First Sergeants or at best the Sergeant Major. So I sneaked over to his top, took his name tape and his U.S. Army tape and replaced them upside down. I figured the casual glance would show that all patches were present but he wouldn't know until it was too late that he looked stoopid and jacked up.

It worked. Stevenson told me the tale first thing this morning. Three hours after my assault he went to extra duty and immediately spoke with the SGM. Apparently the SGM had a shitty grin on his face the entire conversation but didn't bust him out for it. Four hours later, as Stevenson was walking out of extra duty, in front of several people, he looked down to notice the tapes upside down. He uttered The words aloud, "F*&^ing Dorman!!" Which just drew more attention to this. HA!! I win. I rule. Then he realized why the SGM was laughing....

Random photo....


Blogger InterstellarLass said...

Thank goodness for stalls. Women don't have the meat-gazer issue.

I too think the velcro patches are silly. Retarded even. Not for the ass-grab reason though. I hate Velcro. You get a little hair in it and eventually it loses it's ability to stick. Of course, soldiers are bald mostly, so that doesn't present quite as big an issue.

Blogger Robert Chase said...

haha! nice pic! That was at The Loft, no?

Blogger brainhell said...

You guys will be wearing leotards and tu-tus soon.

Blogger Dorman said...

Yes, the Loft. Like the ear pic?

Blogger SnotSucker said...

Guess you didn't drink enough absynthe...Bob's entire ear is still there!

Blogger Robert Chase said...

Still trying to figure what possessed you to takea pic of my ear.

You guys will be wearing leotards and tu-tus soon.

What's wrong with that?

Blogger Robert Chase said...

SnotSucker said...
Guess you didn't drink enough absynthe...Bob's entire ear is still there!

Had one shot of absynth while I was there, on Friday night. Did the whole thing by having the sugar cube soaked in the absyth, on top of the slotted spoon, and Dani lit the sugar cube and I let it melt into the shot glass. Eventually stirring the rest o the sugar in the absynth.
It tasted exactly like the stuff you brought back from Italy.

Blogger Dorman said...

absynthe is overrated since it is now the 'toned-down' variety and not the good old-fashioned Van Gogh / Oscar Wilde flavor.

Bob, your ear is art. when will you ever understand?

Blogger Carnealian said...

I get a lot of servicemen in the sandwich shop and I asked a couple of them about the velcro issues. They laughed, it must be a universal joke!!


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