The Cartoon Phyics of an Existential Crisis

Wyle E. Coyote...alas, a modern day Sisyphus. Mr. Coyote incessantly pursues the Roadrunner to no avail, always to be foiled by his own machinations and contrivances. In English, he's always caught in his own traps, or more appropriately, he finds himself 10 feet past the edge of a cliff. Literally and figuratively, over the past week, I have found myself dangling unsupported, with little more to do than blink at the situation.

I took a trip to FOB Speicher in northern Iraq. It started out frustrating as usual, not being able to get a definite flight and lots of waiting around. Finally, though, I was able to get on a flight with really no time to spare. We loaded up onto the Blackhawks, I got the end seat facing the rear this time. I don't prefer to face the back, hard to get good photos, but no big deal. Since we were packed with passengers this time, I barely had enough space to get all of me on my seat and strapped in. Not a problem because once the crew closes the doors I can shift around and have a little more space. So there I sat facing a civilian, both of us with out feet dangling out over the edge of the floor.

Funny what happened next. Instead of the crew coming around to close the doors, the engines raced up and we started to lift off, quickly. Understand that I do not usually experience fear; a rational mind tends to eliminate fear. I love roller coasters, speed, and danger, but this caught me off guard. I don't think I would necessarily classify it as fear or fright, but I would admit to having some severe apprehension about the situation. I have been on flights where the pilot did several high speed banking maneuvers that dazzled my sense of physics, all tucked safely inside the closed-door bay of the Blackhawk. Now, with those memories in my head, I sat there staring straight down at the ground, suspended suspiciously by nothing more than the shadow of the helicopter as we turned to our heading. We were a mere 200 feet off the ground at this point, but my general sense of right-and-wrong was being challenged. Had gravity taken a coffee break? I was almost expecting a roadrunner to pop out from stage left and hand me a boulder. Luckily, after a few minutes of this new thrill, I had regained composure enough to grab my video camera and record some of this footage. Look for it in an upcoming video.

That would be the high point of my trip to Speicher. Had I known what was in store for me, I would have missed the flight and stayed at Caldwell. Because I then experienced one of the most profound existential crises I have had in several years. It was all based on self-image and a minor setback.

I had been scheduled to appear before the promotion board. I have wanted to be an E-5 for nearly a year and I finally had a chance. Problem was that because I focused too much on my mission, I had little 'me time' to prepare for this board. It was a mutual failing on my part and C Co. since they failed to provide me with any support for the board. Other soldiers get time set aside for studying, study partners, mock boards to practice. I got undelivered promises. Water under the bridge at this point and I now know better for next. Nonetheless, I showed up at Speicher, at my home unit, at the last minute because I couldn't even get prioritized on a flight. There I had to face my chain of command, whom I truly respect. It wasn't easy telling them how unprepared I was and why. I felt like I was dishing them load after load of bullshit, but I wasn't. I decided pretty quickly to back out of the board to save myself and them any embarrassment. I felt like I had disappointed the few people I actually trust. We then came up with a plan of action for me to attend the August promo board.

During this self-esteem crushing experience, I began to get ill; excruciatingly painful sore throat, sinus pain and congestion, fever. Nothing like a fever in the desert. I sure didn't feel like my usual social self; I couldn't think straight, couldn't stay awake, couldn't function. This, coupled with the fact that I now had several days in which I had no purpose, threw me into a tailspin. I did the wrong thing and started to be critical on myself, picking out the flaws that led me up to this shortcoming. I am definitely not used to failures nor shortcomings. I am much more critical of myself than anyone else. And unfortunately the house-of-cards tumbled when I began to scrutinize the other factes of my life. Many of the disagreeable positions in which I find myself can be traced back to a very limited number of bad choices. I have been paying the price for these choices for years and now find myself in situations where there seems to be no acceptable outcome. Very close friends and some family know the situation, some of you may get an idea. With my illness worsening, I broke down. I found myself without a purpose (at least for the time being), disappointing, and alone. I was consumed with self-doubt; wondering what I had achieved by working so hard, and why. Fortunately I have a close friend here that I could vent to. There were no answers he could give me, I knew that. He just was there to validate me so I didn't feel like my whole life was a self-deluded farce. It wasn't pretty but it helped a bit.

The next few days found me languishing in illness and purposelessness. Usually when I visit Speicher, I work, work harder than when I am on my mission at Caldwell. I talk with people all day, feel missed, and feel part of the shop. This time I had no equipment to fix, no real reason to be here. So I kept feeling like an odd-man-out, the guy that accidentally peed in the pool on the 4th of July weekend party. I figured I just had to wait it out, maybe feeling better would help me recover existentially. So I began waiting for my flight home to Caldwell. That's when Hansen and I started to hang out a bit in the evenings, playing guitar and singing songs from A Perfect Circle and Slightly Stoopid.

I am still waiting, hopefully flying out late tonight. And I am starting to feel better, so I actually feel like socializing again. I have picked up a lot of the pieces and seem to be moving forward again, now with a slightly different set of goals. I have 2 months to prove to myself what I have believed about myself all along. I will stay focused.